Barbarian Jaz Answers
O M EFFIN’ G. It’s been years. Part of my brain that was MEAN YOB from Mean Machines (Google it, young ’uns) has been reawakened. I’ve been turned into a terrible illustration, given a bulging sack of mail to answer (okay, a crummy Word doc), and have been asked to write some “hilarious” responses (that probably only really old people will find funny).
THE ALL-IN-ONE LETTER GUY
Dear Mr Barbarian Jaz, I have a question for Archer Queen because I’m sure you don’t know the answer. What is a simple yet effective skincare routine I can do? Also, I have been looking to bulk up, what are the best foods to eat—actually, that one is better for Royale King! Finally, what is your biggest regret? Please. Claz
Sandpaper will keep your complexion very rosy. The best foods to eat are the ones that fit in your mouth. And my biggest regret is agreeing to answer this letter.
My head is full of space
Helloooo Barbarian Jaz, I recently subscribed to a gym. What’s your best workout plan? While I’m here, how do I remove guano stains from clothes? I tried everything! Vosk
Probably working out how to insult you. And those stains ain’t guano my friend.
YOU HAVE BEEN BANNED
Oi Jaz! There’s only one Barbarian allowed: ME. And maybe the King. So, what does that make you?!
It makes me a bad cartoon with an even worse cartoon stuck on—kind of like you.
NO REAL FRIENDS WRITES
I do recognize some of these words, and a few of them even make some kind of sense because of their order. But as a whole? It reads like somebody slipped a typewriter (Google that too, young ’uns) between a gibbon’s butt cheeks.
Crayon crime corner
Hi Barbarian Jaz, we drew some pictures for your wall x Adrian
